go back to the period time before I saw you.

she told me to think in keeping simple, "think about yourself, before you ever saw him" yes. there must have been myself without you. If I didn't meet you, I would be still "me". I really wish what she told me was as easy as it seems. I have the situation with someone I am falling into. I haven't felt so special for so long..I almost thought I was zombi. literaly zombi.mentally before I met you. In spite of our strong feeling for each other, the circumstance involved between us wouldn't let us go further. And I am put in the spot to decide whether take it or leave it. It sucks. We are barely beginning but going through a hard time. To only think about two of us, there are so many considerable things behind us. I am not really able to see straight what would be the best decision for both of us. we are just so falling into each other and I don't want to ruin it. what we have built between us is so valuable and precious. I don't really know what to do.

12:09am

It hurts so much.
I knew how It was going to be..
this is what I deserve after all.
I don't know how to.
never
going to be mine.
f doesnt mean anything it just physicall desire.
we are connected when we do
but never.
.mentally
through our heart.

keep saying no matter how it hurts,
I am fine, as long as I can lay
with you.
never get to see
myself in your eye.
so painful.

a lust hidden

"i wish you could come right now" i started getting ready as if i was bewithched by ur phrase.
it was just the moment i've got to snatch up otherwise it would go away and never come to me again. the nite with you was such a valuble time. i gave my best shot to "be" myself in that moment. no regret. i knew wat i was getting, becoming, being. still can not believe my lust became realistic eventho it truned out other figure. doesn't matter. resulting of the nite, i got cold so bad. yet, still i am lucky one.

a great first love

after eating lunch at the sweet tomatoes, i dropped him off at work.
when we were on our way back his work, we started talking about a first love.
as far as i remember, i asked him if he had the first love.
he said he did meet someone in highschool and asked me back if i had.
i paused, and said, "i haven't met someone yet i would say 'a first love'".
its true tho, he replied "well, i could be the one than"
so i said, "it depends on how you do since now"
"i will try my best to be the one of yours" and we both laughed

okay,look, we have been dating for 3weeks. eric and sunny hooked up us.
i wasn't really attracted by him at first but he seemed he was.

i am seeing him to see any 'possibility' btw us. there might be. hope so.
we are still getting to know each other.
sometimes he bores me though. i guess he is not really talkative person
well i do not like a boy talking too much but, a little sense of humor and wit would be more
charming than being so quiet.

i am not sure how it will go. well. we are going to go out on FRI all day long.
he already got day off on Fri to hangout with me. i could see him giving a effort on us.

we are planning go shopping at woodlands mall which is a bit far away tho.
it will be a black friday! once a year, everything is on ridiculous sale. yay.
hopefully, i get some good deal.

still, i am not over "A", BUT i am just trying to move on.
everytime i go out with this new boy, a thought of A only gets stronger.
hoo. i believe someday i will get rid of him. better for me.

a lust in silence

i miss you making silly face.
i miss your arms holding me tight
i miss rubbing over your soft skins
l miss your eyes staring at me
i miss the way drive your loud car
i miss you kissing me in public
i miss walking with you and holding hands
i miss being around you
i miss looking at you sleeping by me
i miss everything we had done together
and i hate nothing i cant do and how much i hurt you
it hurts knowing it is over, you are never be my boy again
and seeing myself missing you every second

always wanted to be which I would never be.

the conversation of yesterday night with jenny

J: see, this is happening again. once I sip a martini, I just go for it there is no end!
and I hate, hate, next day I would wake up with nothing but hang over.
I am so jealous of non drinker.

S: As a person who have been non drinker for 22years, I personally don't agree with that

J: Huh? what are you talking about? you do not need to worry of hangover, possible mistake you make when you are drunk.

S: people who drinks any types of alcohol, tend to rely on being drunk to get rid of something terrible happen or memory, even if you would feel worse when you become sober. and it seems working somehow. so people laugh, forget about that happens for a moment.

J: well, yeah.somking cigarette, and drinking a martini are only comfort I can think of.
what do you do when the stress is building up? In case, you are not big on drinking and smoking

S: nothing I can do about. you just face it and let it goes. It is tough.
it may sound weird tho, I really wish I could drink alcohol as much as I want and get drunk until a grief inside of me goes away.

04:24am

As my laptop is showing "3:24am", I was like, "Well..let me go to bed at 4:00".
then I saw my cell phone showing "4:25am" oh boy.
I did not notice that my laptop was showig wrong time..
I wasn't even doing anything special. Just things I normally do..reading blogs,
listening music, blah blah.

I am afraid I may wake up on middle of day, probably 1 pm t0 3pm?
then my precious saturday would have already gone halfway. no one to blame."
I don't even know WHY I keep writing this instead of jumping on my bed.
I guess, my fingers and my heart don't get along at this moment. whooo."

Tomorrow,oh no, after few hours(It's already turnd Sat), I am going to meet up Jenny and hopefully study together. It's been a while we met.
I 've been actually avoiding her for personal reasons. just thought,
it's time to meet her bcz when it takes toooo long, something would make an awkward air between us.

Recently, I've been feeling soo lonely. I am not speaking of physical actions tho..
I just miss the feeling which could make me feel that I am alive not only physically,
but also mentally.

These day, I seem pretty much a robot. I don't care how people look at me;
I don't want myself to think tat I am not longer emotional, sentimental,
loving, and affectinate girl.
I want to walk holding one's hands and talk about anything,even silly thing,
and laugh as if we were still kids. plus making some tensins. owwwww.
Hopefully, romantic day comes to me soon.

xx